Does it even matter?

Does it even matter?

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

2016 November 28 [Monday]

Yes, this ought to be the fourth installment of the Mundane Monday Memoir, but I didn’t feel like writing last week, so I didn’t. These entries are really just an “out” for when I really want to write despite No-Writing November. Today, I still don’t really have much to say, but I feel like writing.

I’m finally reaching that point when I’m beginning to feel depressed and really shitty about myself and my life. This may sound awful, but it’s a place in which I desperately need to exist if I’m ever going to write this second book. There are many things mulling in my mind that range in topics from hatred to discipline. I honestly have no idea where I’m going to go with this second book, but that’s not really the point. What I’m trying to do is wait. I wait for the moment wherein my internal thoughts and feelings reveal themselves to me. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that I cannot force any sort of creative endeavor. Sure, I can be diligent about writing and practicing my writing, but I can’t just hope to land somewhere interesting. All I can do is wait for it to reveal itself to me. Ugh. *sigh.

I have come to a decision about another aspect of my life. I have officially decided that I must start painting again. If there’s something else I know about myself, it’s that I’m a pretty good painter. I need to start painting again. Thus, I will. The lifemate bought me a really nice canvas last year for my birthday, and we prepped and gessoed a square on our living room wall so that I could paint a mandala there, but have I painted a single stroke yet?, of course not.

Don’t be misled by my enthusiasm. It’s not really that I WANT to paint. I’ve just kind of come to the realization that I MUST. I like to paint, and it’ll probably be really good for me, emotionally and creatively. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I am finishing up the November Yoga Challenge: #PebbleToNextLevel. I’m a few days behind, so I am going to finish late. At this point in my life, though, I can’t be so hard on myself and quit just because I didn’t complete the challenge “perfectly.” Despite being a bit behind, I just have to keep pressing on and remind myself that it [the yoga] is not a competition that I will ever “win.” My the yoga practice is just that, all mine. So, yes, I will finish the last few postures, but no I will not have them practiced and photographed by the end of today, which is the technical end of the challenge. I will, however, complete the damn thing by December 1st, hopefully. *sigh.

As far as documenting the goings on of the past two weeks, there’s not much to tell. I go to tutoring; we [the lifemate and I] watch movies and eat food together every day; it’s fucking freezing, yet I still sweat sometimes while outside; the cat continues to howl in the early mornings and is a general pain in our ass, but I don’t blame him; this is one tiny apartment. Sometimes I’m wracked with guilt because I want his company, but it seems a bit cruel to keep him cooped up in here all the time. Ugh.

Alrighty. It’s time to drop off some pics to print for my parents, drop off some coffee for the lifemate, do a short circuit workout, swing through Lotte Mart to pick up some presents for my parents, and do the yoga. Until next time. I have two more weeks of no writing, so I make no promises about when you’ll see me again. Laters.