Sex Day

Sex Day

To you Lady Lovers out there (and gents, I suppose, since, god-forbid, someone’s left out), who may be feeling at odds or some other unnameable thing at this point about your sex life, you need to establish Sex Day within your daily life and routine. What is Sex Day, you ask? Well, it’s the day that you schedule to have sex with your partner.

I don’t know about you, but my man has the libido of a man needing to populate a small colony, all by himself. Luckily for me, I used to have a similar libido, which made us quite the horny pair. As I’ve grown older, my horny-ness has subsided (what?, with being a female who menstruates every fucking month, which essentially means that my menstrual cycle overshadows three weeks of every single month—week one: PostMS recovering from period week; week two: the best week of life, life is #sogood; week three: PMSing for the upcoming volcanic eruption; week four: Purgatory—it’s a bit much to ask for sex all the time.)

Thus, my partner and I have recently established Sex Day, and it’s been working really well. As unromantic as it may sound, it really is quite freeing, which allows for an air of romance. Obviously, I’m not suggesting that you follow in our lead, of course, I would never do that. And so, the most important aspect of this whole process is that you complete Step 1. Step 1 forces us to do the one thing that, as an American society, we are not allowed to do: Speak openly about our sex lives. This leaves us all to our own devices, and perhaps, some of us think that we’re crazy or worse, deviant. Rest assured, you are not deviant. Whatever sexual proclivities you may possess, the internet has revealed that you are not alone. So, don’t feel alone. Perhaps you’re only able to see this representation through pornography, and that’s a shame. But don’t let that make you feel … morally wrong in some way. Unless, of course, you’re some sort of serial killer that gets off on murdering people, well, then, yes, perhaps you’re deviant and unhelpful to society.

Deep breath. Here we go then, a few easy steps to get Sex Day onto your calendar, today!

Preface: If you are not orgasming regularly, this issue needs to be resolved first and foremost. Talk to a doctor who actually cares that you’re not orgasming. Also talk to your partner. There’s no faking it until you make it, in this case. So, speak up! Get that Screaming-O!

 

Step 1: Talk with your partner about your sexual wants and needs.

If you find that your partner wants sex twice a day, and you’re fine catching dick once a month, well you’ve got a lot of compromising to do. If you find that you and your partner fuck every single day, but then realize that you’d rather also fuck other people, well then that’s great too. The point is that you need to TALK about it, whatever IT is.

 

Step 2: Compromise but be satisfied.

You need to be really honest about your needs, but you also need to be realistic. If your partner works from 6 AM-10 PM every day, and you have two kids under the age of three, and one of you is the president of the PTA or whatever (sorry, I don’t know what adults with children do), then it’s probably not very realistic to schedule Sex Day as being every other day. BUT, if, like me and my partner, one of us needs to get laid twice a day and the other needs twice a week, then Sex Day is every other day, which realistically turns out to be about 2-3 times a week (excluding that fucking time of the month). This, of course, does not mean that we have sex every other day, but because it’s on the “calendar” that means it must be addressed, ahead of time, if there are going to be changes. Maybe the changes mean that someone gets oral. And for you men out there, if you want to get laid more, you’ve gotta get your partner, who are we kidding, I don’t think that homosexual men have problems getting laid, so you straight-assed men out there, you gotta get your woman horny and aching for you, which probably means you’re gonna have to use that good old fashioned saliva-based lube and get to work.

 

Step 3: Converse regularly

I’ll tell you, I’ve been fortunate enough to find someone who satisfies me greatly, and so, I can also tell you ladies, that you’ve gotta speak up. You have to tell your man what you want. I hear that ladies are quite good at getting their ladies off, so that’s why I haven’t mentioned you. And men, you’ve gotta listen. I’m on a Sex Day schedule that has both me and my partner compromising, but it is geared a bit more toward my partner because he’s expressed his needs clearly and rationally. Therefore, our initial Sex Day schedule is tailored toward his needs, and if it ever does not work for me, I can say so, and we’ll change it up. But for now, I will say this, running on a man’s libido has actually made me feel great. I honestly thought that I would get burnt out by this heavy sex load, but it’s starting to become routine, which means that I’m now also starting to really want Sex Day too.

Once you and your partner have set a Sex Day (or two or a thousand), try your best to stick to it. And remember, it doesn’t matter if your Sex Day schedule is twice a day or twice a year. We’re all getting laid! What matters is that we’re all getting sexually satisfied. And absolutely don’t forget, if you have time to waste wondering whether or not you’re getting laid enough, LIFE IS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.

Migraines & Me: A lifetime of learning and now, some reprieve

Migraines & Me: A lifetime of learning and now, some reprieve

As a long-time (and I mean this relatively speaking as I have suffered various types of headaches and migraines over the course of my entire life’s memory), chronic sufferer of headaches and migraines, I have had a lifetime of trial and error when it comes to attempting to either rid or avoid a headache and/or migraine. The first head-splitting headache I vividly remember (and there are many remembered headaches) was sometime in the first or second grade when my family attended Korean Heritage Camp (a long weekend filled with activities that introduce adopted Korean children to Korean culture and tradition). Prone to nosebleeds, I got a pretty gnarly nosebleed over the course of the long weekend. Immediately after the nosebleed (which lasted an inordinately long time as I also remember my parents not being sure what to do after I my nose kept bleeding after thirty minutes), I became ill with a nasty headache. The rest of the weekend was basically ruined. This was probably not my first headache, as my mother has always seemed keenly aware of any situation that may give me a headache (even to this day), but it is my first memorable headache. Another nasty migraine happened (again) over the course of a long weekend. My partner and I took a little trip to a small beach town, and by the time we rolled back to our hotel after an afternoon about town, I came down with a migraine that knocked me out through the entirety of the only full day we had. Luckily, I eased out of it by the time the final morning rolled around and we had a nice day and afternoon, but I basically ruined another trip, another weekend, another event. I do not know exactly how many situations my headaches and migraines have ruined for other people, but to the people in my life who have felt short-changed, I promise you, I’ve never once used a headache or migraine as an excuse to get out of anything. I would never inflict so much bad mojo onto myself.

As far as the techniques I’ve tried, not a single one has worked to quell or dispel a migraine, that is, until recently. At the lively age of somewhere in my early thirties, I have finally come to the conclusion that I have done everything completely wrong.

In the past, I’ve always opted for soothing sounds, dark rooms, sleep. My typical migraine strategy included (but was/is not limited to): putting some sort of dense carb into my stomach so that I could down two generic Excedrin with as much water as I could tolerate, and then off to bed I’d go until the generic Excedrin kicked in or didn’t. This strategy never helped to quell the discomfort, and so I kept on living in misery, hoping that this time, it’ll work. It never did. Not once.

Then, I learned that migraines often times come with some sort of aura (a sort of signal or warning sign that a migraine is coming on), and so, as soon as I realized that I had a migraine, I attempted to remember if anything felt strange or if any sense felt disturbed. After nearly a year of paying attention, I’ve found that my aura is a combination of sensitivity to sound and screens. I’ve always been sensitive to light while in the throws of a migraine, but (after my intentional determination to find out what my aura was [if I had one]), I became aware of the specific misery that the light from screens (my phone, computer, television) exasperated the problem in the form of nausea. Daylight and lamp light disrupts me in a way that creates a sharper head pain during a migraine. Screen light specifically made me nauseous, and after an hour or so of feeling sick to my stomach, I inevitably get beaten down with a migraine. This was the first big clue.

The second big clue was when my migraine cleared. I continued to notice that my ears always popped shortly before feeling that sweet sweet relief of the pain dissipating. That made me pay attention to my hearing just before coming down with a migraine. What I noticed was that my ears sort of ached like my ear drums were being stretched. And then I noticed that I would hear a bit of static off and on for a while before a full-blown migraine rose up.

With this new found knowledge and familiarity with my aura theories, I made a few attempts to preemptively strike against my migraines.* My first attempts went well. As soon as I felt as though my aura had appeared (either through static in the ears or nauseated sensitivity to screens), I would go through the routine: down a carb, two generic Excedrin, and as much water as I could tolerate. Then I would go to bed and try to sleep. This worked pretty well, but taking a nap in the middle of the day is not very convenient. Nevertheless, I stuck to the strategy, and it worked most of the time.

And then, I had an epiphany, What if I force myself to stretch? I stretch regularly because it’s just something I do and have always done. But now, I had to stretch for the good of my neck. One of the causes of my migraines is my neck injury. While working as an alterationist, my boss accidentally dropped a steel bar onto my head. It’s a long story that did not end well for my career at his store, but I am generally quite well. All-in-all, my neck needs to stay loose or I will get a headache. Thus, I realized that instead of going to bed and lying completely still, I thought that I’d force myself to stretch.

The first time I tried my new strategy, it worked really well. It worked so well, I couldn’t even believe it. So, now, as soon as I sense all of the signals of my aura, I immediately go through the same routine as before except now, instead of going to bed, I specifically get moving, despite how I feel. If a migraine arises, there’s not much I can do but pass out in bed, BUT, if I feel well enough to walk around, I get up and stretch on my yoga mat, go for a walk, and generally try to stay active while actively avoiding screens. I’ll throw on some tinted shades as well. I’ve also realized that screens, in general, really bother me and so, use the night light at all times, on the darkest setting, and now, I’m going so far as to get a pair of rose-tinted glasses, specifically for screen-time, as screen-time cannot be avoided in my line of work at this point in time.

Honestly, I am not even sure why I am so compelled to write about my migraines and newly-found strategy that actually works as I am sitting here now after deploying this strategy this morning after realizing that checking in on my friends on insta this morning was making me nauseous. Yay! I know that there are many people who suffer from migraines, and so, I am sharing my successful strategy with hopes that perhaps someone out there will find it helpful. I know that all migraines are unique, and so, you will probably have to come up with your own solution, and so, I suppose my real point is that you need to figure out what works for you, and if you still have not found a solution, keep trying. I’ve been suffering my entire life, and it took years to learn about my own body. In the meantime, I hope my strategy is a winning strategy for all of my future migraines, but I am realistic. There’s a chance that a simple change in water will affect my headache frequency, but for now, I am hopeful and ecstatic that my newest strategy is the first strategy to work successfully.

Until next time.


 

*I’m realizing now that I have not given you a sense of how many migraines I fight off at any given time. On average, I suffer one and a half migraines per month. They are, presumably (by both myself and my physician), related to my menstrual cycle. Every once in a while, maybe one or twice a year, I will suffer a stress-related migraine, and about once or twice a year, I will suffer a physical-tightness-related migraine due to issues that are beyond the scope of this here piece.

Conan The Clown (slash American Cultural Ambassador)

Conan The Clown (slash American Cultural Ambassador)

Recently, my mind has revealed a little tidbit of itself to me with regards to the “late-night comedian” Conan (Conan O’Brien). Conan O’Brien is not a late-night comedian. I mean, obviously, he is a “late-night comedian” in the sense that he jumps into our devices every day, late at night, in hopes of humoring us. However, this label of “comedian” does serve his purposes.

Since Conan identifies as a comedian, he can gain access to places and ideas without the typical strings that are typically attached to say, politicians or lawyers or even … journalists. Nevertheless, the essence of Conan is not comedy. The essence of Conan is education. It is by Conan’s intellect that he moves through the world, grapples with and deciphers the problems of this world. Comedy is his vehicle, and through humor, he can bring even the most complex things back down to Earth, creating Bathos. Conan’s genius is his ability to do this. Unfortunately, the masses do not care to learn, and so, even if those lessons are directed at you subliminally, your mind will reject this (and I have no proof of this, and I am too lazy to find a source to back up my claim; you were warned, which is why this is all theory, conjecture, especially since I do not know Conan O’Brien personally). This is the foundation upon which my theory about why Conan lacks mass appeal is built.

To me, Conan O’Brien lacks a bit of proliferation; I do not see him “everywhere.” I also know that he’s never one of the big three late-night comics. And I used to understand why: He’s a clown. But then, desperate for any entertainment when Colbert is away (I am capable of appreciating more than one person at a time), I started watching Conan’s “Conan Without Borders” segments while living in Seoul, South Korea. I couldn’t believe that Conan was even viewed in Seoul, much less adored. It was a weird awakening. So, inspired by the popular, I began watching Conan. Honestly, I don’t really care for his show, but I am absolutely obsessed with all of his “Borders” segments. I’ve seen them all, and I love every one of them. And I know I love them because of Conan.

While “Without Borders”, Conan can be the ridiculous American that the rest of the world may enjoy because he lives up to an American stereotype, The Clown. And Conan’s smart. He’s an actual intellectual. You do not end up with the types of credentials that he has and remain stupid. The difference is that Conan is not an elitist intellectual. He doesn’t sit upon his high horse (like say, Bill Maher, and I appreciate him so much, too!) and look down on all the uneducated (by systemic inequality or sheer laziness) people and call them stupid. He also doesn’t want to be surrounded by only those who are equally as intelligent as he is. He wants to be around people. And I cannot even qualify or “define” what type of person because Conan sees people as people. He does not treat a woman like a woman, a dude like a dude, an Asian like an Asian, etc., etc., &c. He treats everyone he encounters like a person. And that’s saying something, especially for someone who could so easily sell out for any number of reasons.

Conan is good with people in person. I find his pieces to be most consumable when watching him interact with other people. Hence my indifference to his late-night show. I basically watch everything of Conan’s on YouTube, except his late-night riffs, because he is so good at interacting with every type of person, he is hilarious to watch. He has no shame. He’s willingly going out there and representing the idiocy of Americanness to the rest of the world. He’s our global Bathos Ambassador.

People want and will easily think the worst of you, no matter what. The global community, the peoples of all the different, varied, cultures of the world do not have a positive, glowing, sunshine-and-rainbows perspective, perception or opinion of These United States. Of course, many people do want to come here to experience the ginormity of American life, but generally speaking, the American people are not looked upon with the same light that Americans use on themselves. And clearly, Conan knows this.

Not only does he know this, he is capitalizing on it. He is playing the role that the global community wants to see, wants to be proven right about, wants to interact with, and Conan plays that role unlike anyone else because nobody else is doing it. With all of Conan’s big intellect, he didn’t decide to point the cameras at his big intellect. Instead, he said (and I “quote,” but not to quote him but rather, to write a bit of fake dialogue), “I’m sick of all these intellectuals talking down to the less educated and calling them stupid. All you have to do is educate them.” And even if Conan has a smaller base of fandom here in These United States than I would like, it’s comforting to know that the global community has embraced him, enjoys his perspective, and feels as though they’ve won a small victory against the USA by being right about us Americans: We are clowns. Our day-to-day problems are so miniscule that we have problems and arguments about basic necessities (say, what type of person gets to use the millions of free toilets available to the general public) that other nations do not even have at all.

We’re all clowns. And so, if Conan has taught us anything through all his years entertaining us, it is that American comedians are not the only clowns. We have one sitting in the White House, and we are all clowns ourselves. To be American is to be a clown. Our problems are of such little consequence because we brought all of these problems on ourselves. We could literally fix all our problems tomorrow, with a few swipes of a pen. Yea, we then have to get to work and get it done, and so, again, Conan proves a point. It’s not only about realizing that you’re a clown and that you’re part of the problem; it’s also about how problems don’t fix themselves. So, if, as a nation, we are going to allow people to in our society to exist who are uneducated and lazy, then it’s our responsibility to change that, to create the world in which we want to live. If we do not want people to be uneducated, then we must educate them. If we do not want people to be lazy, then we need to build and create things and spaces for them to do and create things.

And so, I want to thank you, Conan, for getting out there and being the face of America. Conan may have a reputation of being ridiculous, but he does not hold a reputation of being stupid. So, whatever Conan does accomplish while the cameras are turned off is his real work, his learning. Nevertheless, he remains dutiful to his responsibility to also educate the masses, and for this effort, I appreciate everything that he does. Thanks, Conan! You make me laugh, but more importantly, you make me think. Thank you.

The Uproarious Haircut (plus color & tip)

The Uproarious Haircut (plus color & tip)

And yes, we should care but not really.

AOC famously paid for a $260 haircut, sorry and color plus tip (and do not quote anything I’ve said here as I’ve not done any research beyond the musings of, say, an article [and/or video] or two [or more but not fewer]). And people are in an uproar at the cost, and honestly, they fucking should be. We should all be fucking pissed that a Congressperson, who is paid a decent salary, does whatever the fuck she wants with her paycheck. Obviously, I’m kidding. I honestly do fucking care that she spent so much money on a haircut (plus color plus tip), though. I’m not pissed cause, obviously, without her job, she has no money, and the reason why AOC has no money is not because of her student loans, as she formerly proclaimed; it is because she spends it all. So, instead of being pissed, I understand and thereby know her a little better, and knowledge is, as we know, power.

Unfortunately, the thing that I know about her now is that she’s bad with money. But so is everyone. So why are we all so surprised when one of us is bad with money? It may seem like a trite and frivolous thing, spending $260 on a haircut (and color plus tip), but all of you do it all the time, just not with haircuts. You buy overpriced coffee, overpriced technology, overpriced everything, all for what: A bit of status? The AOC issue is disappointing because she was supposed to be different. She was supposed to know better. Better than what? Better than to succumb to the overwhelming pressure of her ego’s own vanity? As if. Men don’t succumb so easily because they have not had a lifetime of berratement or even comment with regards to their looks. Not that this is an excuse for AOC. She should be ashamed, but she probably thinks something more akin to “I deserve this.”

To be clear, I don’t care that AOC spent that much money. That’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset about the fact that she spent that kind of money on anything so rudimentary as a haircut. The thing I learned, however, is that if Congresspeople make enough money to blow some on a $260 haircut (with color and tip), I’m now much more curious about being one myself. But who am I kidding? My electability is null.

In the end, it’s the same old story, a woman being ostracized about her vanity by the same people who comment solely on her outer appearance. If most women are like most of the women I know, then we’re all just trying to “look our best” in order to remove our appearance from the talking table. We’re all just trying to survive this hellscape where nothing that comes out of our mouths matters unless we look good. And god forbid you look hot; the hot ones are never taken seriously. So, what’s a woman to do being stuck between a rock and a hard place? And what’s a woman to do when that rock and hard place are both other women? Perhaps the trickiest part for all of us to wrap our minds around is that women are complex creatures, because people are complex creatures, and women are people. And on my worst day, with a few extra bills in my account, I’d do the same thing, not on a haircut, obviously, but it would be something equally frivolous, and so would you.

You’re not ‘stuck in a rut.’

You’re not ‘stuck in a rut.’

How to be happy you’re alive.

 

I’m annoyed, frustrated and generally pissed that people cannot seem to grasp the simple idea that life is monotonous. Just like so-and-so says in The Princess Bride*, “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.” When you don’t feel like ripping today a new asshole or you don’t feel like being awesome or you just want to eat junk food and play video games, that’s called Regressing to the Mean. It’s normal. It’s all part of your human existence within a thing called math. At some point, over the course of some time, you MUST regress because growth only and solely upward is impossible; the math says so.

Thus, the thing that every person dumb enough to pick up a self-help book needs to understand is that life is monotony, the everyday experience of experiencing everyday experiences every day. Awesome days cannot be awesome against the backdrop of every day being awesome. And days of misery cannot be miserable against the backdrop of every day being miserable. Get it? The daily routine of monotony is the baseline of your life that really gives your life (all the awesome and miserable days, events and experiences) its meaning.

For the creative types, “one of those days (or weeks or months)” are absolutely necessary. Your brain requires time to mull and digest information. There are input times and output times. The output times are obvious to spot; you’re outputting creatively. Input times have been mislabeled as “stuck in a rut.” Instead of contemplating your life in such hopeless terms, realize the truth, instead of seeking advice. This “rut” phase is your brain’s input time. Instead of forcing and hoping and lamenting about how you’re so unmotivated, realize that this is the time when your brain needs to rest, perhaps even sleep. Read a book. Sit outside in the sun. Do nothing.

You’re not going to feel awesome every single fucking day. Some people never get to experience the feeling of feeling awesome. And I’d even go so far as to say that everyone’s idea of what makes them feel awesome is different. Why are we all pretending as if we want the same thing? We don’t. I have yet to actually meet another writer who has the same sort of aspirations as I do as a writer. And yet, we all lump ourselves in together and hope to gain knowledge from someone who has found “success.” But another person’s success cannot ever be yours.

So now, I understand how hopeless my efforts are as this is, in fact, a piece of advice, but that advice is to stop taking advice. Instead of being just like everyone else who seeks advice, seek truth, knowledge. The only place to find this sort of content is within books. Your local library has a healthy supply of them, and guess what, all the books are free to borrow!

In short, you’re not stuck in a rut; you’re stuck in this thing we all call life. Get over yourself; relieve yourself of the pressure to be and achieve something all day, every day. The only way to find yourself is to actually spend time with yourself, and so, when you find yourself stuck with yourself (whenever you see yourself as “in a rut”) instead of lamenting about how you wish things were, show a little gratitude for keeping yourself alive, alive enough to want more than the mundanity that living affords so well.


*written by William Goldman