Too Muchness

Too Muchness

It’s just too much.

I feel as though I’m afflicted with a phobia. If I were to guess, I’d guess that it is not an actual pathology, however, it does feel like one. I fear that I am afraid of too much. Not that I’m afraid that I have too many fears. That’s not it. Instead, I’m afraid of everything in a state of “too much.” For example, I am afraid of running too much. After realizing that to maintain my current (this was years ago) running ability (which isn’t even enough to brag about or even bring up really, nevertheless), I had to continue running every single day, and that was (is) too much. I quit running (although I still go out for a few jogs a year) cold turkey about two months after this realization. On a different note, one of my more vivid remembrances of “too muchness” happened roughly around the time I began having to wear makeup on stage for performances (as a gymnast, I never had to wear makeup for competition [although, perhaps I should have], and so, when I switched to dancing, the prospect of stage makeup sounded fun, albeit a little gross). I had worn makeup on stage when I was a child, but this time, I had to wear it as a young lady, and when I saw my own reflection, I liked it. I also then immediately understood that I would have to wear makeup like this every day or else, everyone would know when I wasn’t wearing makeup, or if I was wearing makeup and they saw me immediately after having seen me without makeup, etc., etc., &c., down the rumination wheel I spun. Until, ultimately, I decided that I would never wear makeup (off the stage) because people could see it, which meant that they could see when I didn’t wear makeup, which meant that I had to wear makeup every single day, and that was too much. There are other examples, but I strive not to bore.

Currently, I’m struggling with a different sort of too muchness, and the realization around this particular iteration spawns a bit of truth that I would rather not know. And please, save your judgments of my patheticism as I am very aware of how pathetic my situation is, not to mention the problematic egotistical nature of the situation. The issue is this: Although capable of writing every day, I do not out of fear that I will write too much.

The reality, however, may be less “ewe” and more “oh” once you’ve heard the underlying fear. And that fear is that I am afraid of scrutiny. (Boo, ewe.) I know the rules; I know the game. You’ve gotta write a lot, all the time in order to succeed. It must be an act to which you are fully dedicated. And I, I am only willing to dedicate myself so much lest it becomes too much. But I honestly do not even know what “too much” even means. Like, what the fuck? I decide to sit down and write, and as soon as I attempt to do so, a stupid fucking voice inside my head reminds, “Well, once you open this faucet, you could write for days on end. And that’s too much.” Too much what!

I don’t know.

And apparently, I cannot know because the problem inside my head is inside my own fucking head creating the problem that’s inside my own fucking head. This is why therapy and therapists exist, in case you were ever wondering. Goddammit, my nails are too fucking long to type fast, effectively and efficiently right now. Ugh.

Essentially, I’m stuck inside this psychological nightmare wherein I must write, but if I get carried away, I’m somehow afraid of writing too much (with no regards to how well I’ll write, mind you, and when has writing too much ever been a bad thing), but at the same time, I also fear the scrutiny and criticism of those who (I want to have) read my writings if they (the writings) gain any traction, AND I also fear that I will never be read at all, ever. Yea, I know; I’m a pathetic loser. And so, I suppose, the only thing left for me to do is to just write about this issue of “too muchness” in the hope of finding or knowing the signal to all this noise. The fear, most likely, revolves around something about how, I’m afraid that the next thing I write will be my last. It’s like they say, Hope floats on the death-farts of Dreams.

 

Mid-Year Update

Mid-Year Update

Dear Life,

Obviously, I’ve failed miserably at my 365-days of writing, but fear not, I am not disappointed in myself. A strange thing happened, and I’m not really one to gossip, so I’ll not go into great detail, however, I began working (at a meager job, no worries), and this employment situation turned into a place of great opportunity, minus one small detail: The “owner” who had hired me had introduced himself as the “owner” and continued to play the role of “owner” until the truth became known that he was, in fact, a manager with ownership stake.

Now, if you do not know why this is such a big deal, well then, much of this post will probably not … interest you. Nevertheless, if the difference means something to you, in your own mind, well then, the “one small detail” is no small detail at all. And thus, it was an eight-week nightmare of lies, deceit and overall futility. I cannot say, at this time, whether or not I even work at this place. The point is mostly to convey the seriousness of my life over the past month (all of the nonsense began to take shape around the middle of June, with it all coming to a head around the second week in July, with the issue still at large as of today). In total, I only worked at this place for exactly two months. Dramatic much?

And so, I’m mostly apologizing to myself for not being able to follow through on a goal that I had very much wanted to accomplish, but there is still time. I am not so naive as to make any promises at this point, but I am working on refocusing my efforts toward shit that matters, as opposed to on a shitty situation, in a restaurant, a place, in my opinion, not worth this much effort and stress.

*sigh*

What am I going to do now?

Well, I’ve already started reading quite heavily again, and I’m writing this post now. The lifemate and I already had plans to leave this place for another place in a few months time, and so, this is not so much a blow to us financially as it is just a complete annoyance, and something about which I would like to complain very heavily to anyone who will listen. But this is really not about that. I will apply this past two-month experience to both the efforts of learning and accepting. Knowing full well about my relationship with patience, I understand this circumstance as another fucking test in a long line of tests that is fucking LIFE.

But perhaps that’s much of the problem with the marketing scheme that LIFE provides, these things are challenges or tests or trials that need to be overcome. That, to me, sounds like spin set upon life through the mechanisms of organized religion, organization affiliation to anything, really. “These are the challenges we must face!” I say, “Fuck you, LIFE!” We’re here, and everything is working against our being here. There’s a much larger force at work than a mere challenge or test or trial; it’s LIFE. Life isn’t hard; it just is. Life isn’t cruel; it just is. Life isn’t challenging; it just is.

I mean, have you even seen those BBC productions about Our Planet? From our perspective, that’s some cruel shit. But from the perspective of all things living together, being together, it’s just life, and that is what’s fucking crazy.

We (the lifemate and I, always) watched the goddamn Mueller Testimony this morning, and what a thing to behold. It makes me wonder, like, if every generation has its crook, then why are we surprised? Also, the word upon which everyone should be fixated is not “exonerate” but rather, the word procure. Did anyone on Trump’s team (including Trump, himself) help procure the disinformation/stolen information used in the 2016 election? That’s my two cents.

I’m very muchly looking forward to the second round of Democratic Presidential Candidate debates that are set to air next week. Obviously, we are still way too far away to know or pick a candidate we prefer.

… And we’re charging full-steam ahead with our business plans for our next location. Oh and we’re playing our way through the free Borderlands 2 DLC in eager anticipation for Borderlands 3.

I think that’s all for now.

 

 

 

The boy child

The boy child

[Some doors only close]

“That’s ridiculous,” the boy child states to his manny. “I swear to you,” the manny promises, arms raised in surrender. “Prove it,” the boy challenges. “I cannot,” the manny shrugs. “Why?” the boy asks. “Cause. Think about it. It’s a door that ONLY closes,” the manny suggests. The boy thinks this over for a bit. “I suppose you’re right,” the boy child decides. “But then how am I ever supposed to find out whether or not you are?” “You will find out someday, but not today,” the manny promises. “Promise?” the boy confirms. “Promise,” the manny reiterates with an offered pinky. The two pinky swear.

 

 

Happy F*cking 설날

Happy F*cking 설날

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY ONE HUNDRED ONE

2017 January 30 [Monday]

It’s the Lunar New Year holiday right now, and I live in an Asian country, so fuck you! The lifemate and I have basically been up to no good since last Thursday night, and really, none of the stuff we’ve been getting into is anything of anyone’s business [and I’m burning through a tequila-fueled rage {wow, that sentence took five ,minutes to write |goddamnit! look at that comma! fuck!|}]. So, see you on Friday for my #FridayFeature! This is officially the extent of my Mundane Monday post. Happy Fucking New Year to all you Asians out there! Woot woot!

 

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*caption below

 


 

*chili’s in the “crock pot” and tequila’s being poured … check out my Insta stories to see it all for yourself! Ba-ja-hahahahahaha!

Quickly, now …

Quickly, now …

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY NINETY-FOUR

2017 January 23 [Monday]

Mundane Monday

Since I also have a shit-ton of fiction writing due before today becomes tomorrow, I will make this Mundane Memoir quite short. There’s one exciting announcement, one new writing goal, an update about the weather, and there is a, uh, happening?, that I would like to touch upon for the sake of posterity. Shall I simply trot through the week in order? Okay, here we go.

Monday was, by far, one of the more exciting days of the past week or month even. When I was fifteen years old, I set a goal to travel to each continent [excluding Antarctica b/c one does not simply travel to Antarctica, but I do wish to be qualified to do a six-month stint there sometime in the future] by the time my twenty-fifth year of life came to a close. Proudly, I can state that I did indeed travel to every continent except one [sad face emoji]. Nevertheless, my goal has always pricked the back of my mind, and I’m excited to announce that I will finally check off that last continent this summer! For our [the lifemate’s and my] 2017 ETMC Travels, we will be traveling to … a dun dun duh da! … Sydney, Australia! Yay! I’m so excited, I can’t even think about it yet. So, diligent, focused writing and meticulous planning is the name of the game until we set off on our 2017 vacation in May!

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*caption below

 

As for the new writing goal, my English student, SJ, requested [about three months ago] that I write a story using her as the main character. I sort of brushed it off as her request being mere excitement around my first novel that was published last October. But then, she kept on asking me about her story. I knew I needed a good idea before I could even hope to write, what would essentially need to be, a children’s story, so I just told her I would think about it. When the idea came to me, however, I kept it a secret so that I could present the story to her after she had hopefully forgotten all about it.

I’m so happy and excited with the result of this request that I’ve decided to draw up a few pictures and publish the damn thing as a children’s book. Woot woot! I’ve also decided that I will write a few more children’s stories. So, there’s that.

When considering the weather, it snowed an epic [for Seoul] amount last Wednesday, and then it kept on snowing off and on through Saturday. It’s been amazing! For a girl like me who grew up in the mountains of Colorado, I’ll just say I probably throw a tantrum every other day about how I can’t snowboard anywhere in this ephing country [I mean, you can, but I’m way too much of a snob to pay for a bunny hill].

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**caption below

 

And then, Saturday brought about the most delightful snow storm that the lifemate and I decided would make for an excellent run! Thus, we ran our asses off until we were both covered in, surprisingly fluffy, snow! It was the perfect mood-lifting activity. I spent all of Sunday writing fiction so that I could reach my word count quota. This metric week’s quota is 6000 words, and I have about 1600 to go. So, I better finish up this, basically, nonsensical writing and get to it. Laters.


 

*It’s always nice to have something exciting coming at ya in the near future!

**Enough snow to require my snow boots!

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY FIFTY-TWO

2016 December 12 [Monday]

 

Here we are now at the final installment of the Mundane Monday Memoir! I am truly going to practice the writing restraint that these posts are meant to fulfill and stick to the program as I sit at my computer with the movie Wreck It Ralph pumping in the background just like it does every single morning these days. If you’ve seen the movie, perhaps you understand my obsession.

Let’s see … this past week has been quite productive as far as physical exertion is concerned. I managed to workout seven days in a row last week through alternating days of circuits, runs and the yoga [of course, this includes last Sunday, which technically isn’t part of “last week,” but the point is merely that I managed to get my butt off the couch seven days in a row with yesterday being the only day off during the past eight days, etc., it doesn’t matter]. Anyhow, I plan to continue this regimen until I just quit, as usual. I don’t have any physical #goals, per se, regarding my size or abilities, except to feel really great physically. I can do the pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups, dips, leg-lifts, &c., so it’s more that I just want to be able to keep doing them, ya know? Okay, enough about that.

As far as the non-exercise-related events of last week, there’s not much to tell about what went on during the week. The weekend, nevertheless, is an entirely different story. On Saturday, the lifemate and I pounded out a quick circuit through the early afternoon and then traveled downtown to an area called Anguk to eat a croissant/waffle [a waffle made out of croissant dough] and a burger at our favorite burger joint. The croissant/waffle place was closed, and we’re not sure if it’s closed forever or was just closed for the day. Through grave disappointment, the lifemate impulsively dropped into, luckily for me, a delicious phở place. It was the type of place we’ve been scouring the city for for years … cheap but delicious phở. The phở itself was absolutely no frills, and he also ordered the stir-fried phở, which was absolutely amazing. Both dishes combined cost about 7,000 KRW. Awesome.

Holy ephing ay, I think I’m definitely getting a fucking cold. Dammit!

After the croissant/waffle tragedy and phở excitement, we desired to continue our grazing and headed toward the burger joint. On the way there, I found the cutest boutique ever where I picked up a few new pins [to be pictured at a later date because I’m searching for the perfect new little backpack, and once I find it, I’ll pin the pins to it and post a pic then] and picked out a notebook that the lifemate bought me for my imminent birthday. Then we continued on toward burgers. To our dismay, the burger joint was closed … the forever kind. There was already another restaurant up and running in its place. Boo! Thus, we marched on toward Insadong where we thoroughly enjoy a beverage stall that sells liquor pouches. No liquor pouches. We were 0-3 at this point but were still having a great night. With one last thing on our to-do list for this area of town we hoped with all our might that the lady from whom we buy our incense cones and sticks was still open. She was. So then, we trekked on over to 광장시장 [Gwangjang Market] and grabbed our favorite little snack, 빈대떡 [mung bean pancake].

I wanted the good times to keep on rolling, so we walked toward Dongdaemun. Then, I still wanted the good times to roll so we walked onward toward Hyehwa, and it was totally worth it. There, we found a different liquor pouch man! How fortuitous! We each got one, walked a few Christmasy streets and then finally hopped on the oh-so-crowded subway back home. Phew. Twas a long, cold, oddly satisfying Saturday night.

Sunday was equally satisfying as I had my English student, SJ, over for a day of funtivities. Her parents dropped her off here at our [my and my lifemate’s] apartment at exactly noon. We played cards, Rummikub, and a plethora of video games. SJ and the lifemate took turns playing piano while I cooked poached eggs and hollandaise. SJ also ate her first avocado ever [she sort of liked it but was surprised when it wasn’t sweet … haha]. Later, I taught her how to make an apple pie for her dad [I made her family a few apple pies last year after SJ’s mom gifted me a huge bag of apples from SJ’s mom’s mother’s apple trees, and apparently, SJ’s father loved the pies so much he talked about it all the time, so I thought it would be fun to teach SJ so that she could make them anytime for her dad].

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*caption below

Around 1800 we all caught the bus together toward SJ’s house where we met up with the rest of her family [dad, mom and grandma] so that we could all go to dinner together. SJ’s dad picked an incredible duck restaurant that basically blew my mind. After dinner, SJ’s father drove us all the way back home, which was so fortunate because both the lifemate and I were so full we weren’t sure how a bus ride would go. We were home around 2200, and I passed out around 0130. What a weekend.

Now that it’s Monday again, it’s back to the daily grind of workouts, writing, and wonderments. No-Writing November comes to an end tomorrow, which means I’m back in writing mode starting on Wednesday. The lifemate bought me a new congrats-for-completing-my-first-book-but-now-it’s-time-to-get-your-ass-back-to-work-and-finish-book-two computer, which ought to arrive on or before Wednesday, so there’s that, at least, to look forward to. I will also be officially back to my M/F blog posting routine as well. Thus, you will hear from me again here on Friday! Until then …


*photo by: 정소정의 엄마

Is it The End?

Is it The End?

|how.odious| Year Two: Day 017

2016 November 7 [Monday]

As Election Day in the States draws oh-so-near, I can only watch as a mere observer from a place far away. Of course, the lifemate nor I could have ever predicted that by staying here one more year, we’d essentially put the fate of our dear homeland into the hands of citizens who are genuinely interested in the punk-assed moron [Trump, so as not to be confused about whom I am talking] becoming the leader of the “Free World.” Ugh. That’s enough about that because I don’t really have any legs to stand on as an expat who left her homeland many years ago. Nevertheless, the sheer possibility that the punk-assed moron could even win sort of makes me feel really really sad. I could and probably should say more on the subject as far as it relates to my personal life, but I do not think that this is the most appropriate space in which to share these sorts of conflicts within the personal spheres of my life. I would embarrass myself through the vast hatred of my words, but I would necessarily scold the people with whom I have such personal beef. No matter … I shall refrain.

As far as other happenings from this past week are concerned, I successfully extended my visa, which means I can stay here in Seoul through November 2019. It was a stressful day because any time one visits an immigration office, s/he ought to be stressed; it’s a stressful situation. Luckily, I prepped and had all of the correct paperwork, and the entire situation resolved itself without a hitch. I’ve also been quite successful at sticking to this month’s Yoga Challenge, which is a nice break from my own laziness and overall disdain for “doing what I must.” The weather mellowed out a bit at the end of the week, so the lifemate and I got in two pretty great workouts outside over the weekend as well.

The lifemate and I spent most of last night hand-making invites for our little, A Saturday Night in November, party this coming weekend. satnightinvite

We basically invited his entire office, so that should be fun, if everyone actually attends! Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of throwing parties, but I don’t throw them very often [I can only think of about three or four times I’ve done so in my adult life]. As an introvert’s introvert, it generally takes me about a year to recover from all of the necessary social output hosting a party requires. Ugh. It’s alright though.

This particular party was my idea because my brother might be coming into town this weekend, and I get the general feeling that he [my brother] thinks that I don’t have any friends. So, I thought this might be a good time to actually do something more with him than the usual watching movies, eating out, &c., &c. The sad thing is that he might not actually make it this weekend. Something screwy went down with his credit card or something, so now he might not even be able to come visit … [sad face emoji]. The party must go on!, as it were.

I suppose that’s about it for today’s truly Mundane Monday Memoir entry. *sigh. For a final word about the whole “No-Writing November,” it’s sort of really nice but also, sort of really boring. I accidentally wrote a paragraph the other day when posting a pic to my photography site. So, I guess I’ve failed in some small sense. Other than that, though, I have to really stay cognizant of the fact that I cannot write anything of substantial length. And really, I shouldn’t be on the computer at all [except for today, of course]. *sigh. Oh well. I’ll try to do better this week. See you next Monday! Lates.