Too Muchness

Too Muchness

It’s just too much.

I feel as though I’m afflicted with a phobia. If I were to guess, I’d guess that it is not an actual pathology, however, it does feel like one. I fear that I am afraid of too much. Not that I’m afraid that I have too many fears. That’s not it. Instead, I’m afraid of everything in a state of “too much.” For example, I am afraid of running too much. After realizing that to maintain my current (this was years ago) running ability (which isn’t even enough to brag about or even bring up really, nevertheless), I had to continue running every single day, and that was (is) too much. I quit running (although I still go out for a few jogs a year) cold turkey about two months after this realization. On a different note, one of my more vivid remembrances of “too muchness” happened roughly around the time I began having to wear makeup on stage for performances (as a gymnast, I never had to wear makeup for competition [although, perhaps I should have], and so, when I switched to dancing, the prospect of stage makeup sounded fun, albeit a little gross). I had worn makeup on stage when I was a child, but this time, I had to wear it as a young lady, and when I saw my own reflection, I liked it. I also then immediately understood that I would have to wear makeup like this every day or else, everyone would know when I wasn’t wearing makeup, or if I was wearing makeup and they saw me immediately after having seen me without makeup, etc., etc., &c., down the rumination wheel I spun. Until, ultimately, I decided that I would never wear makeup (off the stage) because people could see it, which meant that they could see when I didn’t wear makeup, which meant that I had to wear makeup every single day, and that was too much. There are other examples, but I strive not to bore.

Currently, I’m struggling with a different sort of too muchness, and the realization around this particular iteration spawns a bit of truth that I would rather not know. And please, save your judgments of my patheticism as I am very aware of how pathetic my situation is, not to mention the problematic egotistical nature of the situation. The issue is this: Although capable of writing every day, I do not out of fear that I will write too much.

The reality, however, may be less “ewe” and more “oh” once you’ve heard the underlying fear. And that fear is that I am afraid of scrutiny. (Boo, ewe.) I know the rules; I know the game. You’ve gotta write a lot, all the time in order to succeed. It must be an act to which you are fully dedicated. And I, I am only willing to dedicate myself so much lest it becomes too much. But I honestly do not even know what “too much” even means. Like, what the fuck? I decide to sit down and write, and as soon as I attempt to do so, a stupid fucking voice inside my head reminds, “Well, once you open this faucet, you could write for days on end. And that’s too much.” Too much what!

I don’t know.

And apparently, I cannot know because the problem inside my head is inside my own fucking head creating the problem that’s inside my own fucking head. This is why therapy and therapists exist, in case you were ever wondering. Goddammit, my nails are too fucking long to type fast, effectively and efficiently right now. Ugh.

Essentially, I’m stuck inside this psychological nightmare wherein I must write, but if I get carried away, I’m somehow afraid of writing too much (with no regards to how well I’ll write, mind you, and when has writing too much ever been a bad thing), but at the same time, I also fear the scrutiny and criticism of those who (I want to have) read my writings if they (the writings) gain any traction, AND I also fear that I will never be read at all, ever. Yea, I know; I’m a pathetic loser. And so, I suppose, the only thing left for me to do is to just write about this issue of “too muchness” in the hope of finding or knowing the signal to all this noise. The fear, most likely, revolves around something about how, I’m afraid that the next thing I write will be my last. It’s like they say, Hope floats on the death-farts of Dreams.

 

Mid-Year Update

Mid-Year Update

Dear Life,

Obviously, I’ve failed miserably at my 365-days of writing, but fear not, I am not disappointed in myself. A strange thing happened, and I’m not really one to gossip, so I’ll not go into great detail, however, I began working (at a meager job, no worries), and this employment situation turned into a place of great opportunity, minus one small detail: The “owner” who had hired me had introduced himself as the “owner” and continued to play the role of “owner” until the truth became known that he was, in fact, a manager with ownership stake.

Now, if you do not know why this is such a big deal, well then, much of this post will probably not … interest you. Nevertheless, if the difference means something to you, in your own mind, well then, the “one small detail” is no small detail at all. And thus, it was an eight-week nightmare of lies, deceit and overall futility. I cannot say, at this time, whether or not I even work at this place. The point is mostly to convey the seriousness of my life over the past month (all of the nonsense began to take shape around the middle of June, with it all coming to a head around the second week in July, with the issue still at large as of today). In total, I only worked at this place for exactly two months. Dramatic much?

And so, I’m mostly apologizing to myself for not being able to follow through on a goal that I had very much wanted to accomplish, but there is still time. I am not so naive as to make any promises at this point, but I am working on refocusing my efforts toward shit that matters, as opposed to on a shitty situation, in a restaurant, a place, in my opinion, not worth this much effort and stress.

*sigh*

What am I going to do now?

Well, I’ve already started reading quite heavily again, and I’m writing this post now. The lifemate and I already had plans to leave this place for another place in a few months time, and so, this is not so much a blow to us financially as it is just a complete annoyance, and something about which I would like to complain very heavily to anyone who will listen. But this is really not about that. I will apply this past two-month experience to both the efforts of learning and accepting. Knowing full well about my relationship with patience, I understand this circumstance as another fucking test in a long line of tests that is fucking LIFE.

But perhaps that’s much of the problem with the marketing scheme that LIFE provides, these things are challenges or tests or trials that need to be overcome. That, to me, sounds like spin set upon life through the mechanisms of organized religion, organization affiliation to anything, really. “These are the challenges we must face!” I say, “Fuck you, LIFE!” We’re here, and everything is working against our being here. There’s a much larger force at work than a mere challenge or test or trial; it’s LIFE. Life isn’t hard; it just is. Life isn’t cruel; it just is. Life isn’t challenging; it just is.

I mean, have you even seen those BBC productions about Our Planet? From our perspective, that’s some cruel shit. But from the perspective of all things living together, being together, it’s just life, and that is what’s fucking crazy.

We (the lifemate and I, always) watched the goddamn Mueller Testimony this morning, and what a thing to behold. It makes me wonder, like, if every generation has its crook, then why are we surprised? Also, the word upon which everyone should be fixated is not “exonerate” but rather, the word procure. Did anyone on Trump’s team (including Trump, himself) help procure the disinformation/stolen information used in the 2016 election? That’s my two cents.

I’m very muchly looking forward to the second round of Democratic Presidential Candidate debates that are set to air next week. Obviously, we are still way too far away to know or pick a candidate we prefer.

… And we’re charging full-steam ahead with our business plans for our next location. Oh and we’re playing our way through the free Borderlands 2 DLC in eager anticipation for Borderlands 3.

I think that’s all for now.

 

 

 

Week-Long Ultra-Feast

Week-Long Ultra-Feast

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY ONE HUNDRED FIFTEEN

2017 February 13 [Monday]

Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday!, couldn’t come soon enough! The week started with a light cold that left me feeling a bit dull and snot-ridden for about three days, but the whole sitch came and went quick enough. I went for a light jog on Wednesday to get some new blood pumping through my system and felt pretty good the rest of the week. Today, I feel fine. The cold, however, brought about the beginning of a week-long ultra-feast, meaning the lifemate and I indulged ourselves in all of the unapproved foods we normally never eat.

We ate bags of chips, bags of [Snyder’s-style] pretzels, half a dozen fudge-filled brownies, half a dozen super-fancy Krispy Kreme donuts, hash browns, potato hash, Taco Bell, honey biscuit sandwiches, BLTs, bacon, cheese-filled corn dogs, cream cheese-filled and ice cream-filled Belgian waffles, vodka and pricier beers. Basically, we stuffed ourselves so that we would not want to eat anything so heavy and carb-loaded ever again!, and it worked.

I felt so bad by Saturday night that I was sure I would not be able to eat anything on Sunday, but a deal’s a deal. We had to gorge ourselves [and not workout] through Sunday so as to be sure we’d land somewhere truly disgusted with ourselves. It was not awesome. Luckily, today is now today and so, I woke up and immediately hit a hard circuit workout, ate a bowl full of veggies, and soon, I’ll be meeting with the lifemate to eat a chicken stick and grocery shop for ginormous salad stuffs. I’m so excited! From here on out it’ll be back to business as usual until our vacation in May!

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As far as other happenings from the past week are concerned, there’s not much to tell these days since most my days revolve around writing the fiction. I had a fiction word quota of 7500 words due yesterday, and I pretty much kicked the thing in the ass. All-in-all the fiction writing is going really well. I easily write anywhere between 1500 and 1800 words per sitting. Lately, I’ve been doing one writing sesh per day on five of the ten days in each metric week. It’s a pretty good system, honestly. I have the freedom to relax my mind and come up with ideas, but I can only take one or two days off at a time and have to write on back-to-back days. The challenge of consistently having to output fiction is truly wonderful, while the consistent time off helps the ideas flow constantly. I’m finding a rhythm, and I gotta say, it feels great.

02-17-yakultuploadMy other weekly responsibility of teaching English to my student, SJ, on Thursdays and Fridays has been great as well. Her mother bought her some new social studies textbooks, and SJ really seems to enjoy the content. During class, her mother always provides me with some delicious drink and sometimes a treat, and last week, her mother gave me the coolest little yogurt drink. It was one of those Yakult probiotic drinks, but the packaging was not only twice as big as usual, but also, it was upside down! So amazing. That little treat made my day. It was so fun. We, SJ and I, then discussed whether or not she thought her mother was cool. I think that her mother is really cool cause she seems to know what’s “now,” but SJ disagrees. SJ thinks that her mother has such “old style.” That may be true as far as what her mother herself likes to eat and wear, but the things her mother buys SJ is always pretty hip and on trend. AND the food and drinks her mother provides for me are always pretty cool, I think. Haha.

*sigh*

Anyhow, I suppose that’s all. There’s not much to talk about since I just don’t feel all that connected to these Mundane Monday posts anymore. They’re totally pointless from a writing standpoint, but maybe they’re nice to have when considering where I might be living in the future and how nice it might be to look back on these posts from our time in Seoul. No matter, I will continue to write them. If I figure out some other topic about which to write instead, perhaps I will rethink these diary-type entries then. For now, I still enjoy how easy these entries are to write, and I probably need to have some writing output that requires less brainpower. *sigh* Back to the fiction.

Until next time …

What day is it?

What day is it?

Welcome to |how.odious| Year Two, DAY ONE HUNDRED EIGHT, which happens to be Monday, February 06, 2017!

The day is actually, Sunday, but I am overwhelmed by the week’s forthcoming fiction quota and thus, have opted to write my [mediocre] Mundane Monday post today, Sunday, so that I can fucking focus solely on my fucking fiction production. *burp* Please pardon the obscenities, I am currently enacting a vodka-fueled writing session. Or don’t pardon them; I belch all sorts of obscenities on the regular.

As far as the past week is concerned, nothing much has happened. I did, however, officially begin my full 7500-word fiction quota per each metric week [ten days] with the first due date requiring 7500 words happening last week, on Thursday. I have to admit that it wasn’t actually as hard as I had initially imagined, but now that I know that, the ten-day quota will slowly become larger and larger until the ultimate end on July 2nd of this Gregorian year whereupon I must have, at minimum, 150,000 words of fiction for my second book, which will then be edited, tweaked, torn apart, and altogether unrecognizable. Ugh.

Oh, before I forget, I failed to write a coherent post last week due to inapproprio-city and the fact that it was one of the longest breaks for the lifemate, which always incites hardcore, drunken debauchery and a general lack of care for the responsibilities of adult life. Despite this, I was able to meet my fucking fiction quota! And I felt like a straight-up boss. Today, the feeling is less than desirable, since I haven’t written a single word of fiction since last Thursday. This is mostly due to a lack of inspiration and partly to do with my overwhelming laziness. I also have a pretty righteous cold, but that’s neither here nor there. The good news is that I have an idea and so, will get my ass in gear this week to pump out those godforsaken 7500 words due this coming Sunday.

Shit, I forgot to write the thing I wanted to write about before I forgot! My English student, SJ, stopped by my house last week to bring me a 설날 [Lunar New Year] gift! She and her family brought me a huge helping of black-sesame-covered rice cakes and her grandma’s kimchi! Both treats are of the utmost deliciousness! I can’t even express to you the amount of deep joy the reception of these two items of traditional Korean eats made me feel. A picture:

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The rest of our New Year celebration consisted of eating, sleeping, and drinking. We bought a shift ton of groceries to get us through the holiday, which essentially closes down the entire city for a few days, meaning open restaurants are hard to come by. And to think of it, we actually haven’t eaten out at a restaurant in like two weeks. I can’t even remember the last time we ate out. Snacks don’t count. We ended up making chicken soup on Friday and chili on Sunday in the crock-pot, quesadillas, fried rice, eggs benedict, chicken caesar salad, and other things I can’t remember now. Oh, we ate a lot of cheese. I can’t remember which movies we watched, and the lifemate’s too busy playing Titanfall 2 to help me figure out exactly what we watched. We exercised quite a bit too, which was lame but also refreshing. The holiday ate into much of last week, which was awesome, and then our usual routine and daily patterns filled the remaining days. On Wednesday, I started the @cyogalab February yoga challenge, #WallCall, last week and then promptly failed to continue, but I will finish it goddammit!

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Yesterday, I woke up around 0830 and got up around 0900, which was crazy! I played some online [fake-money] poker and ended my two-hour session 23,000 chips up!, woot woot!, oh and I also made myself a padded sleeve for my new Chromebook!

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Then, we did an as-fast-as-we-can circuit at the park! Finally, the day ended with a trip to Lotte Mart to pick up more booze, french fries and dinner fixings! For dinner we had a pan full of mussels in a tomato sauce with rice and baked bread and watched two new [really bad] movies! It was fucking great! Wow, yesterday was really exciting!

Today has been a seriously lazy day filled with movies we’ve already seen before, video games, more drinking, no exercise, and some toast [the Korean version of a cheap white-bread sandwich]. The cat’s pretty happy too, ’cause we picked up new batteries for the laser pointer yesterday, so he’s been participating in a satisfactory release of energy. I guess that’s about it for this post, nothing too exciting or too boring. Yay!

I’ve already planned this coming week and must write 1500 words of fiction each day to reach this metric week’s quota, fuck! I actually only need to write about 1100 to hit the mark, but I’m telling myself otherwise in hopes of getting ahead of schedule and maybe having another day off from writing, now that I’ve already taken three days off this most recent metric week from writing the fiction. Ugh. *sigh* Ugh.

Okay, that’s all. Time to edit some pics, get some toast and make some 김치 찌개 [kimchi jjigae {like a stew made with kimchi, pork, tofu and some other delicious ingredients}] with SJ’s grandma’s kimchi!

Quickly, now …

Quickly, now …

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY NINETY-FOUR

2017 January 23 [Monday]

Mundane Monday

Since I also have a shit-ton of fiction writing due before today becomes tomorrow, I will make this Mundane Memoir quite short. There’s one exciting announcement, one new writing goal, an update about the weather, and there is a, uh, happening?, that I would like to touch upon for the sake of posterity. Shall I simply trot through the week in order? Okay, here we go.

Monday was, by far, one of the more exciting days of the past week or month even. When I was fifteen years old, I set a goal to travel to each continent [excluding Antarctica b/c one does not simply travel to Antarctica, but I do wish to be qualified to do a six-month stint there sometime in the future] by the time my twenty-fifth year of life came to a close. Proudly, I can state that I did indeed travel to every continent except one [sad face emoji]. Nevertheless, my goal has always pricked the back of my mind, and I’m excited to announce that I will finally check off that last continent this summer! For our [the lifemate’s and my] 2017 ETMC Travels, we will be traveling to … a dun dun duh da! … Sydney, Australia! Yay! I’m so excited, I can’t even think about it yet. So, diligent, focused writing and meticulous planning is the name of the game until we set off on our 2017 vacation in May!

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*caption below

 

As for the new writing goal, my English student, SJ, requested [about three months ago] that I write a story using her as the main character. I sort of brushed it off as her request being mere excitement around my first novel that was published last October. But then, she kept on asking me about her story. I knew I needed a good idea before I could even hope to write, what would essentially need to be, a children’s story, so I just told her I would think about it. When the idea came to me, however, I kept it a secret so that I could present the story to her after she had hopefully forgotten all about it.

I’m so happy and excited with the result of this request that I’ve decided to draw up a few pictures and publish the damn thing as a children’s book. Woot woot! I’ve also decided that I will write a few more children’s stories. So, there’s that.

When considering the weather, it snowed an epic [for Seoul] amount last Wednesday, and then it kept on snowing off and on through Saturday. It’s been amazing! For a girl like me who grew up in the mountains of Colorado, I’ll just say I probably throw a tantrum every other day about how I can’t snowboard anywhere in this ephing country [I mean, you can, but I’m way too much of a snob to pay for a bunny hill].

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**caption below

 

And then, Saturday brought about the most delightful snow storm that the lifemate and I decided would make for an excellent run! Thus, we ran our asses off until we were both covered in, surprisingly fluffy, snow! It was the perfect mood-lifting activity. I spent all of Sunday writing fiction so that I could reach my word count quota. This metric week’s quota is 6000 words, and I have about 1600 to go. So, I better finish up this, basically, nonsensical writing and get to it. Laters.


 

*It’s always nice to have something exciting coming at ya in the near future!

**Enough snow to require my snow boots!

Daunting Days Ahead

Daunting Days Ahead

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY SEVENTY-THREE

2017 January 02 [Monday]

As I sit here in my over-sized, calf-length, zip-up hoodie, sipping coffee while You’ve Got Mail runs in the background [because it’s 1619, and I’ve already watched Wreck It Ralph, and the XBOX One auto-plays movies through its Movie Player, and the movies on our external are organized alphabetically, and so, You’ve Got Mail is the next one after Wreck It Ralph, alphabetically, and I was simply too lazy to turn on the controller to make it all stop. I’m not sure what movie comes up next, but I’m excited to find out!] so that I can tap out the happenings of the past week for this Mundane Monday entry, I can’t help but feel … daunted. I’ll admit it. Despite the overall, general feeling of contentment I felt for the past year, I was sort of having a hard time with 2016 coming to a close. The struggle had less to do with saying goodbye and more to do with the tasks I have set before me. I sort of didn’t want 2017 to begin because then that meant I have to really get my ass in gear and get back to work. Ugh.

The work I have ahead of me stresses me out. The lifemate and I each have separate goals and tasks that we want to accomplish, but together, we also have a few huge undertakings to accomplish. Some things, of course, are more trivial and/or exciting, but some are downright severe. I can’t really speak about the specifics of our endeavors because they are, as it were, OURS. I also can’t really speak about the lifemate’s endeavors because they are, as it were, HIS. So, you, dear reader, are only left with specifics about me and my tasks for the year 2017. The problem with that, however, is that I don’t really feel like sharing, but then I’m stuck within this conundrum about how I never really feel like sharing anything too deeply personal, and yet, I sit down at my computer on a weekly basis to write about my life, and then I share it. The worst part is that I actually want people to read it! Ugh. What the hell am I doing? *sigh Thus, I will be brief and share only the things about which I am comfortable sharing.

Personally, the biggest and most daunting task ahead of me is the writing of my second book [yes, this, assuredly, will be old news, but you can find my first book HERE]. I have a rigid schedule, and if I don’t stick to it, I will fail. I want The Next One [my working title] to be a big book, somewhere around the 500 page mark. This means that I need to write roughly 150,000 words, and I only have until July 2nd of this year to complete it. Don’t ask why, but that’s just the schedule I have set. This also means I need to write, on average, 750 words per day or 7,500 words every ten days. I publish the fiction writing to a private blog every ten days so that I can easily keep track of my progress. That’s pretty much it. Maybe I will post small sections of my fiction writing here on this blog from time to time, but don’t count on it.

The other writing task is a bit less demanding. I want to [must] continue writing my Feature Friday posts, which are lengthier pieces of nonfiction that you can find here on this blog already. I would very much like to have a solid year’s worth of nonfiction essays.

Other non-writing, related tasks include: learning the entire piano solo soundtrack to the Pride and Prejudice movie [I received the book of sheet music from the lifemate for my birthday], continuing a consistent practice of the yoga and circuit training, reading the list of books I will compile this month, and oh my ephing ay, I haven’t even started writing about the past week! Shit. Fuck!

Last week was nice and relaxing. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday were all the same ol’ mundane routine of drinking coffee, watching movies, working out, writing a little, reading a little, and sleeping too much. Thursday, the lifemate had the day off, so after tutoring we met up at the subway and went downtown to grab our traditional Christmas dinner [we didn’t do it on Christmas this year] of Panda Express. Haha! We got way too drunk on a bottle of vodka that we split because it was so fucking cold that we opted for a liquor coat.

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For the New Year’s weekend, we basically just made ourselves a little nest deep in the heart of Seoul, exercised too much, ate too much [my homemade chicken soup on Saturday and all-you-can-eat Korean bbq on Sunday], drank too much [I’d rather not divulge the extent of our … debauchery], and overall did too much of nothing [and some things that are none of your business]. It was perfect. We also tried to nail down our theme for 2017, but we still haven’t quite landed on it yet. We have quite a full plate ahead of us, and we’ve just gotta figure out how best to get it all done.

So, that’s enough about that for today because I’m just sort of sick of writing about my life at this point. Ugh. See you on Friday, for Feature Friday! If you missed the last Feature [I opted for something different last week as it was the last post of 2016], you can check it out HERE! Have a nice first week of 2017. If I do nothing else this week, at least I’ve done this.

To Christmas or Not To Christmas?

To Christmas or Not To Christmas?

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY SIXTY-SIX

2016 December 26 [Monday]

 

Good morning! This is probably the earliest I’ve ever sat down to write a blog post. It’s about 1315, and I woke up roughly an hour ago … haha … not really all that funny. Anyhow, I hope everyone had a nice whatever holiday it is that you celebrate! I had a fairly nice holiday. Thanks for asking. I find that celebrating this sort of holiday is getting tough, these days. Neither I nor my lifemate really WANT to celebrate Christmas. As children, nevertheless, [Christian] Christmas was a big fucking deal. So, we’re sort of finding it difficult to shed the whole celebration, decorum, and festivities of the season. No matter, every year we discuss what and how we want to “celebrate” this day that demands so many things. This is probably the topic about which I will write for this upcoming Feature Friday. Thus, I will refrain from going into further detail about how we approached this year’s “Season” and the things we’ve already discussed about how we will approach it in the future.

So … about last week’s happenings. One moment, please. I need to check in on last week’s post to see what I covered in the Monday post. Okay, so I didn’t write about Monday, which was when my actual birthday fell, and I had a nice day just hanging out and twiddling my thumbs until the lifemate got home. Once he arrived home, we went to Pizza Hut for dinner, which probably sounds really lame, but here in Seoul, western food is quite expensive and is never quite as good as it is elsewhere. Since we went all out for my birthday dinner on the Saturday before, I just wanted something we never eat. I ended up having a small meltdown after our server basically tricked us into the most expensive “set” in the entire restaurant. I was upset because the lifemate had already shelled out so much money on my birthday celebrations and the pizza was supposed to just be a fun little dinner, but then it ended up being another outrageously expensive [because we’re talking about fucking pizza here] meal. Also, if I were inclined to brag about the gifts he gave me, you’d gain further insight into my feelings about how he definitely didn’t need to spend any more money on me. In hindsight, we probably should’ve just done something at home. Anyway, that was Monday night.

Nothing interesting nor special happened on Tuesday. My last birthday present finally arrived on Wednesday, and it was so totally worth the wait. Thursday was spent finishing up some reading for last week’s Feature Friday. I also spent all of last week procrastinating. I had my 1500 word Feature due on Friday as well as 7500 words of fiction writing due on Saturday. On Friday, I started and finished the Feature. Luckily, my English student, SJ, had to cancel all of our classes last week, so I was able to hole up in the apartment all day on Thursday and Friday. On Friday night, I pounded out a few hundred words of fiction work … fail. But something’s better than nothing at this point. Getting back into the swing of fiction writing is tough, so I didn’t beat myself up at all for the meager output.

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*caption below

On Saturday, we went to a friend’s Christmas Eve party. Um … It was nice? The problem I face with writing about the party is that I have true affection for the host of the party, but the party itself was a bit rough. There were two people there with all too similar … uh … toxic? … personalities. One of whom was an old friend of mine, and by “old,” I mean that she and I were friends. I met her shortly after we moved to Seoul, and we met up a few times and even went on a few couples’ outings, but I would not have defined our relationship as close. We were definitely still getting to know each other. Anyhow, one day, a few months in, she really wanted to talk to me about some problem that came up between her and her husband. It made me really uncomfortable for two reasons: First, they had only been married for about ten months at this point, and the nature of the problem was … problematic. Second, I did not feel as though we were close enough for her to share this level of problem with me, so I felt like maybe she just tells things to people, and that’s problematic for me, if we were to become closer friends and I were to share my life with her. That’s enough about that.

Anyhow, shortly after her [TMI] divulgence, I basically stopped talking to her. She avoided me too, and I don’t blame her. I mean, she opened herself up and told me a really sensitive, vulnerable situation. I honestly couldn’t relate to the way they handled the situation, nor could I relate to the way the situation arose at all in the first place. I listened and did my best to provide some insight for her simply by being a sounding board. So, yea, she and her husband were there, and she’s a bit antagonistic. Even before everything that went down went down, I found her to be a bit … negative. She’s very … smug. Hence the lack of closeness between us in the first place.

As far as the other toxic personality, this other girl was someone I met for the first time, and let’s just say, I had half of one conversation with her and then made sure I didn’t have to interact with her again. I overheard much of what she spoke to other people, so I knew it wasn’t me. She spoke to everyone this way. I’ll just give one small example from half our conversation. I found out that she was vegetarian earlier in the evening, and then later, some of us were just talking about how we eat and what not. This was all at a Christmas party mind you, so the atmosphere of conversation ought to remain lighthearted, at least, that’s what I thought. Other people clearly don’t feel that way.

Anyway, so I was talking to one of the guys about how the lifemate and I eat a super low-carb diet, and how we found it to be awesome because we never realized how good it could be to be able to eat more fat. The guy I was talking to had a similar revelation too. Then the vegetarian said, “Uh, like low-carb is such a fad, and there are like so many risks. You’ll end up with kidney disease because you eat too much protein.” [If the irony of this comment is lost on you, then you probably also don’t understand how horrible this girl was.] I wasn’t trying to convince anyone of eating a low-carb diet nor was I promoting it. We were simply talking about how we eat cause it was just a talking point at that point. She also wasn’t even part of the conversation.

I am all too familiar with this type of toxic person, so I simply responded with, “Really? I mean, do you know how much protein I eat? You don’t even know if I eat any meat products. I think you also have to eat like two pounds of meat protein every day to end up with any protein-related problems, but what do I know? Do you know?” She had no response, obviously, because that’s how you deal with people who don’t actually know anything but who are compelled to exert their lack of knowledge on everyone else. It was awesome.

Aside from the few little social frustrations, I had a nice time. The party as a whole was a bit … strained. I just kept to the people who were feeling the Christmas vibe and just chillaxin’. We ended up back at home around 0200, and I didn’t have that pleasant, after-party warmth, which was a bit sad. Oh well. I’ll state it again because this is how much I truly enjoy the host’s company; despite the lackluster charm of the party itself, the host was gracious, happy, and altogether pleasant as always. Perhaps she felt the strain too because I heard a few comments from her that made me feel as though she was aware of the not-so-cheery atmosphere, but I think she threw a great party. You can never really predict the personalities that show up. Unfortunately, one really antagonistic, socially inept person can infect an entire group.

Christmas Day was very low-key. We both woke up around 0900 and immediately turned on A Christmas Story, but then I passed back out until about 1230. Once I was up for good, we exchanged gifts and then called my parents. The lifemate made some breakfast while we watched a basketball game and played with the cat. Then we finished up Season 15 of Project Runway. We watched Step Brothers while we played a few rounds of heads up Hold ‘Em. Then off to a candlelit dinner we went. Once we were in for the evening, we watched Die Hard, which I had never seen before, and I will probably never watch it again willingly. Throughout the entire day we were sipping vodka and eating butter cookies [yes, I realize that cookies are not low-carb … haha … but twas Christmas. We also ate pizza like twice last week because of the holidays, yum!] I think we probably tucked in for the night around 0330. It was a nice little holiday. I also managed to get in all the workouts I planned last week. All-in-all, I feel pretty good today, despite the pizza and the liquor.

Now, I’ve gotta go outside to see if it’s actually raining. It’s not too cold to do a circuit today, but if it’s raining, I’d rather not, which means, it’s a the yoga day. I also really need to find some diligence in prepping this week’s feature and hitting my fiction-writing quota. Sorry this was a long, arduous, slightly-depressing post. This is my blog though, so yea. Suck it. Until Friday. Laters.


*Christmas Crackers! The host of the party gifted me a build-your-own set after she explained to me what they are. If you don’t know, find a British person to explain to you the tradition.

Season’s [F*cking] Greetings

Season’s [F*cking] Greetings

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY FORTY-FIVE

2016 December 05 [Monday]

Oh my ephing ay! This is the Fifth [5/6] Installment of the Mundane Monday Memoir, which is a consolation day for writing as I am still deep within No-Writing November [yes, I know it’s December, but No-Writing November is the name of the six weeks that I forced myself to participate in as a “break” from writing after my book release]. I still have nine goddamn days until I can write about anything of any substance. The worst part about all of this is that I actually have a bit of a rant about the holidays, and I cannot write about it; I can’t write about it on a computer, that is. I have written a few notes down in the notebook the lifemate bought me expressly for this purpose, but it’s not enough! Ugh! There is an even worse part though, I suppose. I’m deathly terrified that once I’m freed to write whatever whenever [and that I sort of must], I won’t have anything to write! *sigh

Oh well. I can’t really worry about that now, especially since I have a handful of nonfiction topics about which to rant. As far as Book Two is concerned, however, I have nothing. I have absolutely no thoughts, ideas, questions, nothing about the book and where it’s heading. Again, though, it’s not really something I should be worried about at this point. Thus, I will move on to the truly mundane aspects of my life over the past week.

Most of last week was spent soaking up this unseasonably warm winter. I did a series of circuit workouts at the park during the day on MWF, finished up the November Yoga Challenge, began the December Yoga Challenge, and we went for an early evening hike yesterday. As far as socializing, the lifemate borrowed a Crock-Pot from one of his coworkers. When the coworker and his husband came to drop it off, we offered to compensate them with a few shots of vodka. Three and a half hours later we polished off the entire bottle over a fairly intense conversation about life in Korea. It was excellent.

On Saturday, we attended a wedding [where we also had the chance to converse with the coworker and his husband from the night before. The coworker’s husband, btw, is one of my favorite Koreans ever]. The ceremony was quick and beautiful.

katewedding12-16

Afterwards, we [the lifemate and I] strolled along the river toward Nowon where we shopped a bit and picked up a bottle of tequila. For dinner, the lifemate used a coupon I made him, and we ate pizza and fried chicken. Hoy. I was feeling quite glad about busting my ass at the park earlier in the week.

Yesterday, we both slept in pretty late, which was amazing. Then the lifemate made his kickass chili, and then he found out that he bought the wrong printer ink cartridge. It was a tense afternoon. Haha. Needless to say, I was cranky, but still wanted to hike because I’m trying to do a little personal research on what it’s like to “live for your social media.” So, I thought, “I will go on a hike today so that I can take a pic of ‘going hiking’.” I didn’t want to hike because I wanted to. I wanted to go on a hike so that I could say, “I went on a hike … Check out this pic!”

sundaynighthikeup12-16

I’m merely testing a little theory of mine about how people use and internalize their social media use. And I gotta say, I’m not entirely sure if doing things just so that you can post them is a bad thing if it gets you out of your house and into the world. So, the question seems to now be something else.

When examining how it seems like some people warp and shift their own lives in order to ensure that everything about their life is “shareable,” I’m sort of beginning to understand more about the implications of that type of behavior. Shit. I’m not supposed to be writing about this. Ugh! Uh, one last thing before I get yelled at for breaking my rules yet again, there are definitely some significant differences between those who share only the best parts of their lives and those who fabricate a life offline that can always be fully bragged about online. Ugh. Okay. I’m done.

Let’s see. Oh yes, I also sent out a big box to my parents for Christmas and my mom’s birthday. I truly dislike the entire idea of exchanging gifts because you must. Gift giving is my love language, and so I put a lot of stock into giving and receiving gifts. I love to give gifts. It is the way that I show someone I like and/or love them. Thus, the idea of “A Season of Giving” is so unappealing to me because I want people to give me things when they want to, not when they’re supposed to. The same goes for my giving of gifts. *sigh

For the past few years I’ve opted out of giving anything more than a card with a picture to my parents because I just don’t like the hassle. This year, however, I actually had some ideas for gifts to give my parents, and so I put together a little box and sent it off. I’m genuinely excited for them to receive their gifts this year. There’s this sort of perverse irony to this season’s wishing of peace and goodwill as everyone busts their asses and their bankrolls to partake in the celebration of … of what? Love? Consumerism? Joy? Religion? Gift giving? This is the first year in a long time that I’ve wanted to give gifts, and so, I sent gifts.

brownpaperpackagesupload

Wouldn’t it be nice to simply exchange gifts whenever we felt like it instead of being forced to during this “most wonderful time of the year”? Maybe I don’t feel like sending gifts now, but if I don’t, people feel unloved. Boo. I mean, when did society determine everything through the acceptance and/or rejection of your actions by your peers? Like the totally fucked up practice of buying a chopped-down tree so that you can drag it into your house and watch it die over this “holly jolly holiday,” all in order to avoid being ridiculed with, “Is that a fake tree?” Yes, it’s a fake fucking tree because then I can use it year after year without killing a perfectly good tree and being a hypocrite who uses reusable bags but who kills real trees for no goddamn reason! Good riddance!

Damn it! I wrote more writing. Fuck!

Oh! I’m planning a little online shindig! Check me out on Instagram to get the full details on December 10th! You won’t hear about it here until the following Monday in the final installment of this no-writing nonsense. So, there’s that.

Until next week …

Does it even matter?

Does it even matter?

|how.odious| Year Two: DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

2016 November 28 [Monday]

Yes, this ought to be the fourth installment of the Mundane Monday Memoir, but I didn’t feel like writing last week, so I didn’t. These entries are really just an “out” for when I really want to write despite No-Writing November. Today, I still don’t really have much to say, but I feel like writing.

I’m finally reaching that point when I’m beginning to feel depressed and really shitty about myself and my life. This may sound awful, but it’s a place in which I desperately need to exist if I’m ever going to write this second book. There are many things mulling in my mind that range in topics from hatred to discipline. I honestly have no idea where I’m going to go with this second book, but that’s not really the point. What I’m trying to do is wait. I wait for the moment wherein my internal thoughts and feelings reveal themselves to me. If there’s anything I know about myself, it’s that I cannot force any sort of creative endeavor. Sure, I can be diligent about writing and practicing my writing, but I can’t just hope to land somewhere interesting. All I can do is wait for it to reveal itself to me. Ugh. *sigh.

I have come to a decision about another aspect of my life. I have officially decided that I must start painting again. If there’s something else I know about myself, it’s that I’m a pretty good painter. I need to start painting again. Thus, I will. The lifemate bought me a really nice canvas last year for my birthday, and we prepped and gessoed a square on our living room wall so that I could paint a mandala there, but have I painted a single stroke yet?, of course not.

Don’t be misled by my enthusiasm. It’s not really that I WANT to paint. I’ve just kind of come to the realization that I MUST. I like to paint, and it’ll probably be really good for me, emotionally and creatively. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I am finishing up the November Yoga Challenge: #PebbleToNextLevel. I’m a few days behind, so I am going to finish late. At this point in my life, though, I can’t be so hard on myself and quit just because I didn’t complete the challenge “perfectly.” Despite being a bit behind, I just have to keep pressing on and remind myself that it [the yoga] is not a competition that I will ever “win.” My the yoga practice is just that, all mine. So, yes, I will finish the last few postures, but no I will not have them practiced and photographed by the end of today, which is the technical end of the challenge. I will, however, complete the damn thing by December 1st, hopefully. *sigh.

As far as documenting the goings on of the past two weeks, there’s not much to tell. I go to tutoring; we [the lifemate and I] watch movies and eat food together every day; it’s fucking freezing, yet I still sweat sometimes while outside; the cat continues to howl in the early mornings and is a general pain in our ass, but I don’t blame him; this is one tiny apartment. Sometimes I’m wracked with guilt because I want his company, but it seems a bit cruel to keep him cooped up in here all the time. Ugh.

Alrighty. It’s time to drop off some pics to print for my parents, drop off some coffee for the lifemate, do a short circuit workout, swing through Lotte Mart to pick up some presents for my parents, and do the yoga. Until next time. I have two more weeks of no writing, so I make no promises about when you’ll see me again. Laters.

Is it The End?

Is it The End?

|how.odious| Year Two: Day 017

2016 November 7 [Monday]

As Election Day in the States draws oh-so-near, I can only watch as a mere observer from a place far away. Of course, the lifemate nor I could have ever predicted that by staying here one more year, we’d essentially put the fate of our dear homeland into the hands of citizens who are genuinely interested in the punk-assed moron [Trump, so as not to be confused about whom I am talking] becoming the leader of the “Free World.” Ugh. That’s enough about that because I don’t really have any legs to stand on as an expat who left her homeland many years ago. Nevertheless, the sheer possibility that the punk-assed moron could even win sort of makes me feel really really sad. I could and probably should say more on the subject as far as it relates to my personal life, but I do not think that this is the most appropriate space in which to share these sorts of conflicts within the personal spheres of my life. I would embarrass myself through the vast hatred of my words, but I would necessarily scold the people with whom I have such personal beef. No matter … I shall refrain.

As far as other happenings from this past week are concerned, I successfully extended my visa, which means I can stay here in Seoul through November 2019. It was a stressful day because any time one visits an immigration office, s/he ought to be stressed; it’s a stressful situation. Luckily, I prepped and had all of the correct paperwork, and the entire situation resolved itself without a hitch. I’ve also been quite successful at sticking to this month’s Yoga Challenge, which is a nice break from my own laziness and overall disdain for “doing what I must.” The weather mellowed out a bit at the end of the week, so the lifemate and I got in two pretty great workouts outside over the weekend as well.

The lifemate and I spent most of last night hand-making invites for our little, A Saturday Night in November, party this coming weekend. satnightinvite

We basically invited his entire office, so that should be fun, if everyone actually attends! Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of throwing parties, but I don’t throw them very often [I can only think of about three or four times I’ve done so in my adult life]. As an introvert’s introvert, it generally takes me about a year to recover from all of the necessary social output hosting a party requires. Ugh. It’s alright though.

This particular party was my idea because my brother might be coming into town this weekend, and I get the general feeling that he [my brother] thinks that I don’t have any friends. So, I thought this might be a good time to actually do something more with him than the usual watching movies, eating out, &c., &c. The sad thing is that he might not actually make it this weekend. Something screwy went down with his credit card or something, so now he might not even be able to come visit … [sad face emoji]. The party must go on!, as it were.

I suppose that’s about it for today’s truly Mundane Monday Memoir entry. *sigh. For a final word about the whole “No-Writing November,” it’s sort of really nice but also, sort of really boring. I accidentally wrote a paragraph the other day when posting a pic to my photography site. So, I guess I’ve failed in some small sense. Other than that, though, I have to really stay cognizant of the fact that I cannot write anything of substantial length. And really, I shouldn’t be on the computer at all [except for today, of course]. *sigh. Oh well. I’ll try to do better this week. See you next Monday! Lates.