To you Lady Lovers out there (and gents, I suppose, since, god-forbid, someone’s left out), who may be feeling at odds or some other unnameable thing at this point about your sex life, you need to establish Sex Day within your daily life and routine. What is Sex Day, you ask? Well, it’s the day that you schedule to have sex with your partner.
I don’t know about you, but my man has the libido of a man needing to populate a small colony, all by himself. Luckily for me, I used to have a similar libido, which made us quite the horny pair. As I’ve grown older, my horny-ness has subsided (what?, with being a female who menstruates every fucking month, which essentially means that my menstrual cycle overshadows three weeks of every single month—week one: PostMS recovering from period week; week two: the best week of life, life is #sogood; week three: PMSing for the upcoming volcanic eruption; week four: Purgatory—it’s a bit much to ask for sex all the time.)
Thus, my partner and I have recently established Sex Day, and it’s been working really well. As unromantic as it may sound, it really is quite freeing, which allows for an air of romance. Obviously, I’m not suggesting that you follow in our lead, of course, I would never do that. And so, the most important aspect of this whole process is that you complete Step 1. Step 1 forces us to do the one thing that, as an American society, we are not allowed to do: Speak openly about our sex lives. This leaves us all to our own devices, and perhaps, some of us think that we’re crazy or worse, deviant. Rest assured, you are not deviant. Whatever sexual proclivities you may possess, the internet has revealed that you are not alone. So, don’t feel alone. Perhaps you’re only able to see this representation through pornography, and that’s a shame. But don’t let that make you feel … morally wrong in some way. Unless, of course, you’re some sort of serial killer that gets off on murdering people, well, then, yes, perhaps you’re deviant and unhelpful to society.
Deep breath. Here we go then, a few easy steps to get Sex Day onto your calendar, today!
Preface: If you are not orgasming regularly, this issue needs to be resolved first and foremost. Talk to a doctor who actually cares that you’re not orgasming. Also talk to your partner. There’s no faking it until you make it, in this case. So, speak up! Get that Screaming-O!
Step 1: Talk with your partner about your sexual wants and needs.
If you find that your partner wants sex twice a day, and you’re fine catching dick once a month, well you’ve got a lot of compromising to do. If you find that you and your partner fuck every single day, but then realize that you’d rather also fuck other people, well then that’s great too. The point is that you need to TALK about it, whatever IT is.
Step 2: Compromise but be satisfied.
You need to be really honest about your needs, but you also need to be realistic. If your partner works from 6 AM-10 PM every day, and you have two kids under the age of three, and one of you is the president of the PTA or whatever (sorry, I don’t know what adults with children do), then it’s probably not very realistic to schedule Sex Day as being every other day. BUT, if, like me and my partner, one of us needs to get laid twice a day and the other needs twice a week, then Sex Day is every other day, which realistically turns out to be about 2-3 times a week (excluding that fucking time of the month). This, of course, does not mean that we have sex every other day, but because it’s on the “calendar” that means it must be addressed, ahead of time, if there are going to be changes. Maybe the changes mean that someone gets oral. And for you men out there, if you want to get laid more, you’ve gotta get your partner, who are we kidding, I don’t think that homosexual men have problems getting laid, so you straight-assed men out there, you gotta get your woman horny and aching for you, which probably means you’re gonna have to use that good old fashioned saliva-based lube and get to work.
Step 3: Converse regularly
I’ll tell you, I’ve been fortunate enough to find someone who satisfies me greatly, and so, I can also tell you ladies, that you’ve gotta speak up. You have to tell your man what you want. I hear that ladies are quite good at getting their ladies off, so that’s why I haven’t mentioned you. And men, you’ve gotta listen. I’m on a Sex Day schedule that has both me and my partner compromising, but it is geared a bit more toward my partner because he’s expressed his needs clearly and rationally. Therefore, our initial Sex Day schedule is tailored toward his needs, and if it ever does not work for me, I can say so, and we’ll change it up. But for now, I will say this, running on a man’s libido has actually made me feel great. I honestly thought that I would get burnt out by this heavy sex load, but it’s starting to become routine, which means that I’m now also starting to really want Sex Day too.
Once you and your partner have set a Sex Day (or two or a thousand), try your best to stick to it. And remember, it doesn’t matter if your Sex Day schedule is twice a day or twice a year. We’re all getting laid! What matters is that we’re all getting sexually satisfied. And absolutely don’t forget, if you have time to waste wondering whether or not you’re getting laid enough, LIFE IS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.